In Hindsight...
Sometimes you gain a little bit more from the scenic route.
On this day, five years ago, I graduated college. Every year for the last five years, I’ve tried to ignore the anniversary of what usually is one of the most memorable events for many people. I never post pictures. I never look at pictures; I try not to think about how much time has passed since December 12, 2018. Today was different for me. I woke up feeling heavy; not only was it the 5th anniversary of my college graduation, but it was also my grandmother’s birthday. She passed away in 2004, but sometimes it feels more recent. Aside from her being my caregiver until her passing, she was my advocate in every way. The delayed grief of losing her is still a journey within itself. Still, this year, I’ve channeled much of that emotion into my writing, creating some of my most meaningful work. This grief has been a teacher, especially on days like today.
The heaviness in my heart is mostly from missing my granny, but there was also this lingering feeling of how I’m still not where I want to be in life. I don’t even know if I’m close. Instead of pushing these feelings aside, I explored what is beneath the surface. It’s difficult carrying grief and resentment in the same space. Less than three minutes of my stream-of-consciousness writing, I admitted, “I never really wanted to go to college in the first place.” No one forced me; I had free range to do whatever I wanted, but I felt like the more sensible thing to do was to go to college. I’d already completed two years of college credits while in high school, so half of the battle was already complete, or so I thought.
In my reflection, I realized that there was never really a part of me that even cared about college, not in the manner many of us were conditioned to care about it. I thought it would be an interesting next step, you know? Something different. I’d watched a few of my favorite YouTubers at the time have a blast in college, and I loved that for them, but I never thought I wanted it to be me. Honestly, I wanted to explore the world. I wanted to take a gap year, learn how to drive, write my blog, and record my life, occasionally doing makeup as my side hustle. It could’ve been so simple. In my defense, I was raised in a small town in southwest GA; more than anything, I was ready to go off and explore the world; at that moment, college felt like my gateway. So off to Atlanta, I went.
Truthfully, my priorities were highly skewed in college, but no one could ever really tell because I was so far in my coursework. I knew one thing: I was never going to make a C, and I was never going to lose my scholarships and grants. In my mind, I went to Atlanta to live, and college was secondary. I won’t say it was easy, but for someone like me, the most challenging thing wasn’t the work; it was convincing myself I wanted to stay there and get a degree that I even wanted to be in college. Again, I wanted to be off in the world, learning and exploring. I planned on joining the Peace Corps, but then people started giving me that weird look like, “Why are you here if you want to join the Peace Corps?” so I came up with the conventional answer everyone wanted to hear, what they expected from me. “I want to be a therapist”. It kept the strange looks away, and it kept me in the fight until the Fall of 2018, when I was depressed, stressed, and wondering what I was going to do after graduation. I spent so much time daydreaming about writing and creating for a living, Flirting around with the idea of taking the creative route. I talked myself out of it so many times. I moved back to my hometown and tried it the conventional way, but the only time I was truly happiest was when I brought my passion project to life in 2020.
I was learning so much about business, my creativity, and having something that could go far. It was the first time I felt like I was doing something worthwhile, something that felt like me. After I laid my passion project to rest, I spent so much time torn between conventionality and trusting myself. Conventionality won for the next three years. Every year, I felt like I was getting further and further away from what I wanted to do the most: write, create, and learn & explore. My dreams started to feel childish, and my survival mode made me believe that I had to take a path that was not for me to have a “happy” life.
For so long, I was ashamed to tell people I wanted to write and create for a living. I was embarrassed to mention I wanted to own my own business and do what I love while being involved in my community. I always wondered if they’d think I was naive or in a fantasy world, but after three hard years, I've accepted that it doesn’t matter what they believe. The resentment about my decision to attend college always reminded me how long I’d spent my life doing things I knew I didn’t want to do. It reminded me of what felt like a never-ending loop until today.
In hindsight, there is so much that I would go back and talk to my teenage and college self about. There are so many times I would use my voice and speak my truth about what I want and say fuck the status quo, but I won’t ignore that even with my “scenic route,” I’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve overcome a lot of negative thought patterns and learned the art of surrender even when it hurts. In times like this, I am constantly reminded of what it means to journey through life. There will be times when things start to make more sense and times when you wish you would’ve taken the risk that felt like it would break you, but in both instances, things will be okay. I forgive myself for not knowing the things I know now, and I am reminded that 18-year-old me did the best she could with what she had. There were a few detours, but the journey is still beautiful nonetheless.
Until next time,
Ty 🌱