Are you holding a dream in the shadows? Maybe it shows up as a lifelong goal, a wish to go back in time, or a leap into an alternative space where you have the ideal conditions to do what does not feel possible within the confines of this current society. I know that feeling almost as much as I know how to breathe. It has lived as a primary, often an anchor keeping me locked into identities and that did not represent what I truly wanted for myself. I've been sitting with my current truth of how I'm paving a way of living that gives me a new perspective and frame of reference.
Instead of shadow dreaming, I spend more time in the light, not waiting for ideal conditions or signs of certainty that will never come, admitting what I don't know to be guided in the necessary directions. As someone who has always known I wanted a full and whole life, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what that could look like for me as a Black, queer woman who lives in the south. One who values intentionality and creativity. One who loves research. One who finds a deep sense of purpose in human connection. I've looked for myself in so many people in visible media, and while some people have shown me more about what is possible, no one truly covered all the areas I care about. For a while, it made me feel like what I wanted wasn't feasible, but that's because I was only seeing what I wanted to see.
I was only seeing what confirmed my inability to have what I envisioned because having what I wanted meant I'd have to be willing to make a choice. I'd have to choose whether I wanted the comfort and certainty of a path most often traveled, or the uncertainty of clearing a vast and deep landscape that would require more work, more trust in self, more discomfort, more understanding of not only what I want, but what I need to make it happen. Shadow dreaming kept me in a loop that became harder to break away from. It kept me pushing myself away from my dreams because I didn't see anything in the physical world that proved to me that there was a "market" for me to exist (capitalism had the most immense grip on my creative thinking for a while, for reasons that we can circle back to later). What is evident to me now is that even while I'm doing this "new" thing, this thing of "nothing" (meaning nothing to uphold or further the conventional way of living as the most reputable and reliable way of living), I am proving to myself that not only is it possible, but I get to do it the way I want with what I have. Every day that I dream in the light and assess what I truly want and need, I am contributing to the new idea that intentional living, creative living, and choosing a new way is not only possible, but some people are doing it every day. Knowing that what I do now could be the reason someone else feels inspired to take an audacious leap is enough to keep me going. It adds to my motivation. It's part of why I'm here sharing this.
I don't have everything figured out, and the great news is I don't have to figure it out to walk this path. I don't have to be debt-free or possess material wealth to walk this path. Having a framework, a soft plan, or even an intention is a great starting point because it gives me something to develop, and every single day, my plans have evolved through experiencing the present moment and asking myself what I want and what I need to make it happen. Some days, I may need rest, other days it's space to research, and others it is communicating with loved ones about my anxieties and being overwhelmed. All of this becomes data. All of this becomes valuable information for the future version of me to continue to emerge. And before you know it, one day turns into one week, and I have proof of life for each day. I become an intentional vessel for my dreams to materialize and manifest into the physical world. The more I journey, the less I become concerned with a destination and more with the experience within itself. The more I fall in love with doing my life work. Work that will sustain me, teach me, and contribute to the world meaningfully.
Recovering shadow dreamer here to remind you that making choices is the only way to ensure that you are progressing in the direction you feel called to pursue. Responding to life will ensure movement, but not all movement leads us where our hearts wish to be. I'll leave you with two prompts to reflect on:
What do you want?
What do you need to make it happen?
May we both continue to journey toward our dreams, dreaming in the light, trusting what we know, admitting what we don't, and declining narratives that no longer align with our hearts. I wish you a grounded day centered around what you need. May your cup overflow.
love + care,
Ty 🌀
Note: This essay was originally posted on my Patreon, where I share more intimate works, daily reflections, and journaling prompts for fellow journeyers along the way! I’d love to have you join me.