Fighting Off "Birthday Scaries".

A reflection on how I'm turning my birthday pressure into birthday peace.

My birthday is tomorrow. Unless the divine sees otherwise, I will be another year older and wiser tomorrow. Full transparency: I don’t have the best relationship with my birthday. Growing up, it wasn’t always a big deal. If I was lucky, I would get a gift and maybe some cash, and sometimes there would be a cake. Since my birthday is at the end of November, the weather is usually colder, and the sun starts setting at 5:30 pm, so I’m limited when it comes to things to do. I had a few memorable birthdays growing up, like the party I had for my 13th birthday. I baked over 70 cupcakes, helped my mom prepare finger sandwiches, and spent the night before making party streamers by hand. Then there was the time when I turned 16 and two of my close friends accompanied my family and me to Olive Garden, and then the skating rink where I couple skated with this girl I had been talking to for about two months and told her “I love you” at the end of the night. Unfortunately for me, she didn’t say anything back. That wasn’t my first blow to the chest; it definitely wouldn’t be the last. After I turned 18, my birthdays were better in a sense. I had more control over my feelings and could do whatever I wanted. I think about my 20th birthday when my friends joined forces and planned a surprise party for me (I still feel uneasy at the smell of Fireball) or my 23rd birthday when my best friend and I took a girls’ trip to Orlando. I finally had what felt like my first “adult” trip initiated, organized, and sponsored by me.

Although all of these events occurred at different points in my life, they carry the same feeling of the anxiety that comes before and the emptiness that comes after. I’m going to call these feelings “Birthday Scaries.” I’m defining birthday scaries as the feelings you get leading up to your birthday, causing you to overthink and become anxious about how to make your birthday feel “perfect.” I’d also like to note that these feelings aren’t exclusive to anxiety; they can also be sadness, avoidance, and irritation. In my personal experience, I always saw my birthday as the day when everything had to be centered around me. Especially since I didn’t always feel this way as a child. I wanted to feel loved and cared for. I wanted endless posts on social media, long paragraphs sent to my phone, and activities centered around whatever I wanted to do, making sure that each one was better than the year before. Looking back, I can see how, beneath the surface, there was a little person inside of me who just wanted to feel special, someone who wanted to be seen by the people around her; my birthday seemed to be the guaranteed day when I knew I could have the need met without having to ask. That form of attention always came at a cost. It felt like a high in the moment, but the crash was hard and fast. As soon as the clock struck midnight, It was back to feeling “regular” again. I wouldn’t hear from over 75% of the people who reached out to wish me a Happy Birthday until it was time for them to log onto social media the next year and do it again. 

This year is a little different. I don’t have anything planned because I want to take a new approach this time around the sun. I had no idea what to do for my birthday, but I knew I didn’t want it to feel so high stakes this year. While I am incredibly grateful for another year of life, I don’t like the pressure of making it feel “special,” or at least not in the way I have in the past. I want something above a regular day but much less than an extravagant birthday. My birthday list this year consists of homemade strawberry cupcakes made by my lover, a stroll through cute shops in the city where I can grab a new book or new stationery, and a nice dinner.
Most importantly, I want to be surrounded by the love and peace I have cultivated. It hasn’t been an easy road, but at every turn, I am reminded of how far I’ve come. These feelings are what I cherish the most, especially after a year of facing hard truths and swallowing bitter pills. The love I have around me is grounding and sustainable beyond anything I could receive from even one thousand birthday wishes on Facebook. 

Every year, I’ve felt like I had to have this big revelation around my birthday like turning another year older meant that my brain would be different. I had to say goodbye to the previous year and adopt a new way of thinking, goals, and plans to symbolize this linear growth I wanted to convince myself I was achieving. Life doesn’t work that way. Or, to be more specific, MY life doesn’t work that way. I’ll be honest: I don’t have any special revelation or wise words to share this year, and I’m okay with that. I’m pretty sure I’ll still have the same uncertainty about my future tomorrow as I do today. Still, I’m carrying with me the belief that everything works out. I’m not where twenty-two-year-old me probably thought I’d be, but I know six-year-old me is proud of where I am. I am in a new city, in a new apartment, and spending more time doing the things that make me happy. I’ve learned and accepted that birthdays are for me and no one else. They don’t have to be planned out, and I don’t have to place the responsibility of feeling “special” on anyone outside of myself. I know that I am loved beyond long paragraphs and birthday posts. I know that 24 hours on November 29th is not as good as it gets for me. I find peace in knowing I can choose how I want to celebrate another year of life, and whatever way I choose is the best way for me, and for that, I am grateful.

Happy Sagittarius Season! 

Until next time,

Ty 🌀

* cover photo source: are.na via @asteticas on IG.